Mail bag #1: you've got questions, we've got answers
Have a “people” question you’d like answered? Send a note to hello@blueprintapp.co with your name and location, and our smoking chimpanzees (aka, our content editor) will pick some favorites for the next mail bag. Let's get to it.
Q: My sister is a 4, and honestly, it’s exhausting sometimes. Are there ways I can tell her to chill without offending her?
— Ellie, Milwaukee, WI
A: Hey Ellie, congrats for being our first question and for offending about 15% of our readers! We are happy to indulge.
Let’s start with an interesting fact: 4s actually under-express their emotions. While they may feel intense, we actually give them tons of credit, because 1) their emotional landscape is naturally amped-up, and 2) they are actually only revealing a small part of what they truly feel.
While you might be tempted to tell other types in your life to tough it out, with 4s there’s probably a balance. They can be incredibly resilient, but their path to resolution — and sturdiness — is often by going through the emotions and processing them. If you can offer to be a sounding board for your sister, she might actually feel re-settled quite quickly. If it’s too much for you, you can communicate that and give her the space and time that she needs.
Q: Does culture have any impact on Enneagram type? What have you guys noticed? My wife and I were in Japan recently and it felt like there were a lot more 9s.
— CD, Pikeville, KY
A: Love this question. Here’s what the cross-cultural data show: countries have a remarkably similar distribution of Enneagram types. In Japan, the US, and Argentina, for example, you’re going to have each type represented by about 10-14% of the population.
That said, we think there are cultural influences overall in how the types present themselves—the milieu of the culture. Japan, as you mentioned, seems “9ish” in its feel, because culturally they’re generally more attuned to social politeness and respect. When I was in Serbia it felt “8ish,” because the culture there nudges people to be tough, self-reliant and direct, whereas New York might be described as “3ish” for its extraverted and high-achieving orientation.
But when people type themselves, and hence reveal how they operate internally, they are still a mixed bag.
Q: I just went walking through a Christmas market and kids are running around CRAZY!!!
— Liz, Portland, ME
A: *raises eyebrow, looks for way out* Thanks, Liz!
Q: My boyfriend is a 1 and he’s kind of a critical jerk sometimes. Is this just part of his nature or can I tell him to get the stick out of his a**? I’m a 2
— Magda, Cape Town, SA
A: Shots fired!! We went back and forth about how much to censor these emails, and we converged upon: not much!
Every type, not just 1s, can be really tough to deal with, especially if they’re under stress; after all, the Enneagram has an entire part of its theory built upon growth (aka the levels of development), which describes how each type behaves and acts out when they’re not in a good place psychologically. So, first things first: 1s do not uniquely suck; we all suck, uniquely (poetic, I know).
When 1s are in average or low levels of health, they tend to get controlling, opinionated, and critical. Almost always, it’s best to give them space, and gently communicate that you appreciate when they still treat you kindly and fairly despite whatever they’re going through. Ones are often harder on themselves than they are on other people, so they do tend to recognize the fault in their actions and remorse if they showed up regrettably.
One of the common conflicts we see in One-Two relationships specifically is a tension between the 1’s desire to “get sh*t done” and the 2’s desire to connect — without either type directly communicating their wishes. It then turns into a standoff of passive-aggressiveness or outright aggressiveness. Communicate your needs kindly and directly, and One partners often come around.
Q: Our 14-month-old son seems to really enjoy laughing, chatting with no sense of volume, and throwing food to the dog. Am I looking at a future 7 here?
— Stan, Pocatello, ID
A: Our baby-typing product is still in the works, but this is certainly not a bad guess…
That's all for this week. Stay tuned for more soon.