Mailbag #3: typing pets & Xmas drama
Welcome to our holiday mailbag! We can promise plenty of entertaining questions from our Enneagram readers, and maybe even one or two decent answers. Let's get to it before the mulled wine starts calling our name.
Q: Am I insane or is my cat a 2 with a 3 wing? How do you guys feel about typing pets? Have I had too much coffee?
— Alissa, Burlington, VT
A: This is why we come to work each day. THANK YOU, Alissa, for this important question.
Many people who really enjoy the Enneagram end up typing their pets. Why? Because we’re all a bit damn nutty and yes, it’s very fun.
Growing up, I had two cats. Felix was a 9w8 (calm, kingly, present, kind, master chiller), Fritz was a 2w3 (flirtatious, energetic, cuddly, demonstrative, charming).
Felix, in true 9 fashion, wanted to be around his people and connect, while going outside at night for a bit of adventure. Fritz, a 2, was always active inside and out, and would literally scratch you so you noticed and pet him.
I do feel like pet owners knowing the Enneagram type of their pets could help meet their basic desires and avoid their fears. If you have a cat who’s an 8, they’ll need plenty of independence, whereas your cat, as a 2w3, may be the ultimate cuddle buddy.
Q: You get one holiday helper at your whim, and you’re not allowed to take a Responsive type (1,2,6) who I feel like were MADE for the holidays. Which type are you taking and why?
— Dan, Fairfield, Connecticut
A: Great question, and we’re happy to offend some people before the holidays.
Ok, so here’s the thing, which we just have to get out of the way: all Enneagram types, when they’re healthy, are awesome helpers, doers, creators.
For example, Threes will move things forward and keep the mood delightful. Nines will set the right vibe, which is relax and connect. Fours can be heart-warmingly sentimental and appreciate the beauty of the moments.
The thing is, none of this is helpful to MY specific problem each year, which comes down to 1) technology, and 2) keeping the guests entertained.
It is virtually inevitable that my Christmas tree lights won’t work or I’ll have some kitchen f*ck-up, and FIVES are going to help me out big time on both accounts.
The other thing that stresses me out is when I have a bunch of polite guests over (my family is full of 1,2,6 energy) who sort of look to me to lead the way for what is and isn’t okay. This is where I’d be happy to have a Seven or Eight just unleash some leadership and laughs, while being fully aware they may set something on fire (literally or metaphorically).
I’ll probably regret my decision, but that’s my gut instinct right now.
Q: I’m a 1 and planning to bring my new girlfriend (a 5) for Christmas dinner. My sister is a 4 and my mom is a 2 and I’m slightly dreading the dynamics. How do I ensure things go as smoothly as possible?
— Carter, Lawrence, KS
A: We would have tons of follow-up questions to understand this dynamic specifically (What are your main concerns? Who else will be at the table? Has everyone met before? Are there obvious overlaps or clashes of values?), but we’ll hash out what we can.
The biggest potential conflict points here are that 1s and 5s are quite boundaried, whereas 4s and 2s are…less so. Yes, 2s can say some slightly unfiltered or embarrassing things, and so can mothers in general. If there are topics you don’t want discussed, it’s better to prime your mom about that beforehand.
Fours are Withdrawn types like 5s, so your sister is unlikely to make your girlfriend directly uncomfortable. If they have overlapping interests, they may even be able to spark up connection, because both types tend to be introspective and authentic.
So, only thing we’d recommend: set expectations with everybody beforehand. Maybe tell your family glaring things that should be avoided, and your girlfriend about anything she might want to prep for.
Besides that, enjoy the show.
Q: What are your favorite Christmas movies of all time? I’m an Enneagram 6 and my friends say I’ve seen basically none of the “classics.”
— Luis, University City, MO
A: We posted holiday movies recommendations on Instagram for like 3 years in a row, and they were some of our least popular posts of all-time. BUT WE ENJOYED THEM, SO LET’S REVIVE THE THREAD.
If you haven’t seen them:
Home Alone. Ridiculously funny, sentimental, and makes you want to relive the ‘90s, where every child was protecting their house with extremely creative boobytraps, while having some much needed space from their families.
Die Hard. I am aware that by making this recommendation, my cofounders are probably going to revoke my privilege of writing blog posts forever. But yes, this is a holiday movie, yes, it is action-packed, and yes, it features Bruce Willis being a one-man wrecking crew, so Santa gives it two thumbs up.
Miracle on 34th Street. Everyone wants to keep the magic of Christmas alive, and this movie just makes you believe in kindness and the potential for real miracles. We are all kids who want to believe in Santa Claus.
All these movies, to me, seem relevant to Enneagram 6s, who are equal parts funny, rebellious, and sentimental. We hope you enjoy.
Q: What brings out the anger, negativity, "debby downer" part of a 6? I know some "happy go-lucky great planner a little anxious" 6s and then "brooding, negative, stressed, even rageful" 6s... is it not being given safety as a child?
— Anonymous, NC
A: We love this question because it is not just about 6s, but can be about every type in the Enneagram. “I noticed ‘x’ type can be great or a pain. Why?”
The Levels of Development is an Enneagram concept which says each type has nine possible levels of psychological well-being.
Levels 1-3 are considered high health, when a type’s best traits tend to reveal themselves. A person is more likely to be comfortable in their own skin, possessing a solid sense of self and letting their virtues shine through.
Levels 4-6 are considered average health. Most people operate in average levels of health, whereby they present both sides of the coin, regularly displaying both positive and negative characteristics of their personality type.
Levels 7-9 are considered low health, where someone’s insecurities and negative behavioral patterns reveal themselves more often, disrupting their well-being and that of their surroundings.
In the case of an Enneagram 6, if you’re seeing them be consistently playful, thoughtful, courageous — that’s a 6 who’s relatively healthy. Highly negative, stressed, angry? Lower health.
Each person is multidimensional. When we transcend our fears (e.g., “I am safe and supported”), our healthiest selves come out. When we are beholden to our fears (“I am without safety or support”), we become visibly stressed.
So why do some people spend most of their lives in a particular level of development? Unfortunately it’s a really complex question.
Many psychologists posit that childhood, traumas, experiences growing up, current major stressors, mindsets, DNA, and natural temperament all can play a role in a person’s mental well-being. It’s hard to say why one person is “more healthy” and one person “less.”
But the Levels of Development help explain what you can expect from that person given where they are currently, as well as leave open the possibility that, through self-awareness and inner work, they can change.
Have a “people” question you’d like answered? Send a note to hello@blueprintapp.co with your name and where you're writing from, and we'll pick some of our favorites for the first batch of the new year!