Mailbag #4: Enneagram romance & typing Olympians

It’s been a minute! Isn’t that what the kids say these days? We legitimately don’t know. We are too old to be cool, and young enough that they’re still letting us type our own emails.

As an early spring gift, we come to you with a new mailbag full of great Enneagram questions. Some of them may even be helpful. (We promise nothing.) Onward!

Q: My friend is a 3, and I feel like there are some things that he doesn’t open up to anyone about. But I was really touched when I found out he considered me one of his best friends. Can you explain this??

— Tyra, New Brunswick, Canada

A: 3s are interesting, because to many people they seem either performatively nice (3w2) or emotionally cold (3w4). The thing is: love and appreciation are expressed in different ways.

We as a society tend to value warmth, emotional expression, and vulnerability. But to some people, it’s just not natural and kind of ick. And it might not actually be authentically “them” if you’re expecting a 2ish or 4ish interaction.

3s are Competency types, along with 1s and 5s. These types tend to show their love and appreciation for their friends through their sharp thinking, their actions, their advice. They are thinkers and do-ers who are often uncomfortable expressing emotions. It just doesn’t feel great for them. Too soft, too sensitive, too awkward. 

It doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t care deeply about you, as evidenced by your finding out that you are one of his best friends. 3s literally see the world through the people important to them and how they can be attached/admired by them, so they place huge value on their friends and family.

One of my emotionally stoic 3 friends (unexpectedly) gushed about me in front of my whole graduate school class during his commencement speech. Another surprised me with a note saying how much he appreciated me and was rooting for me as I moved cities.

Deep care, different way of showing it. Get a healthy 3 in your life. They are wonderful.

Q: Which types have the biggest wing differences?

— Jessie, Charlottesville, VA

A: Wings are cool because they really, really can make the same type look different. The starkest contrast that we’ve noticed with our clients, friends, and family is likely with type 6: 6w5 (The Defender) vs. 6w7 (The Buddy).

6w5 are often tough to differentiate from 5s, and they very commonly mistype themselves as 5s. They are analytical, logical, precise, observant, and all the other 5ish things. When you meet them, you’re often thinking to yourself, dang, this person is sharp, serious, and brainy.

6w7s soooo often come across as 7s. I have mistyped multiple 6w7s in my life after knowing them for years as 7s in my head, only to find out they resonated far more strongly with type 6 after learning the Enneagram. I had gotten it wrong, assuming that just because they’re enthusiastic, funny, warm, and outgoing they were 7s. But their internal landscape was much more relationship and security focused; they were 6s.

And the contrast between the 6w5 and 6w7 is often just so stark from outward behaviors that it’s a huge nod to the concept of wings and why they matter. They explain seemingly huge intratype differences…but at their core, they are actually quite similar.

Q: Which types do you think are most represented in the Olympics? I’m a 42-year-old 7 and have a slightly delusional confidence that I could’ve competed in downhill ski.

— Jeff, Chicago, IL

A: This is actually two questions, and both are fun:

1. Which types are most likely to become Olympians?
2. Which types have the most delusional confidence from their living room couch?

There isn’t solid Enneagram data on professional athletes, so this is anecdotal. But we’ve noticed every type can become an insanely good pro, and can name all-time greats types 1 through 9.

We’ve also noticed that there do seem to be an overrepresentation of 3s, 7s, and (fascinatingly) 9s.

3s and 7s are high energy and hyper-competitive. They will plain and simply outwork you, adapt to the circumstances, and go in for the kill. Tom Brady, Tiger Woods: both 3s. Charles Barkley, Rob Gronkowski: 7s.

The surprise here for me is the 9s. I was watching Starting 5, an “into the lives” Netflix series on five of the best NBA players. And three of the five, I’m almost positive, were 9s: LeBron James, Jayson Tatum, Domantas Sabonis. And I could name multiple other NBA stars who are 9s. And I now hypothesize 9s are so enduring, so stubborn, so comfortable suffering, that TONS of them rise to be some of the best athletes in the world.

In terms of “delusional couch stars,” there is going to be some overlap. The Demanding types (3s, 7s, and 8s) have to take the cake here. They are supremely confident (and their confidence is often self-fulfilling).

Last Olympics I was watching snowboarding with my friend who’s an 8. He knew nothing about the sport. An hour later, he was yelling at the TV about how some guy’s performance would never cut it if he wanted to break onto the podium and was demonstrating what could’ve gone better. Let 3s, 7s, and 8s have their fun.

You guys have been studying Enneagram romances seemingly more than any other author (or Instagram account!). Is it true that opposites attract? What are the most common romance pairings?

— Yalda, Austin, TX

A: Crazy timing, because we’ve just in the past 6 months gone DEEP on romance. We even have three new products dedicated to the topic.

Our big conclusions from studying 1,200 long-term relationships and marriages:

• Any type can end up with any type, and it can work—especially if both types are emotionally healthy
  
• Opposites do seem to attract! For example, 1s and 7s end up together frequently. So do 8s and 9s. Same type couples happen, but they’re less common.
  
• Here a delicious heat map of pairing commonalities, pulled from our Dating Kit:

Check out our website for more of our romance insights. Thank you guys for tuning in!

Have a “people” question you’d like answered? Send a note to hello@blueprintapp.co with your name and where you're writing from, and we'll pick some of our favorites for the next batch.