Mailbag #5: My sister brought home a disastrous fiancé...

Welcome to a new August mailbag, where we take some of our favorite questions from our readers!

My sister (2w3) and her new fiancé just flew cross-country to visit. It was frankly a disaster. I could not believe she chose this guy. He behaves like a teenager, immature and makes inappropriate comments constantly. What gives?
– Deb, Virginia Beach, VA

How dare someone choose an immature partner! (*starts slowly stepping back) She should know better! (*gathers all my exes together, herds them into a closet) I mean, have some self-respect! (*tells them to keep silent, shuts door)

Your life partner may be the most important decision you ever make: best friend, life coach, lover, travel buddy, household co-manager, and if you choose it, the parent of your children. 

When we fall quickly in love with someone—this happens with Enneagram 2s just like other types—we’re blinded to their faults. The chemicals in our brains are switched onto “infatuation mode” and take 2-3 years to switch to a more logical pair-bonding mode. 

Our opinion is, you owe it to people close to you to simply ask them questions and bring them closer to reality. Will he be a good father? What’s it like to fight with him? Is he financially secure? What’s his relationship like with his family? Did it bother you when he made fun of you in public? Friends and family often keep quiet because we don’t want to rock the boat. But you’re a perspective and source of information that they don’t have. So ask them the tough questions.

And yet… do all of this with no expectations. If there’s anything we’ve learned about romantic relationships, it’s the concept of “unteachable lessons”: a person almost always has to live the lesson to learn it for themselves. Relationships are such a complex mix of attraction, compatibility, attachment, repeating subconscious patterns, and more. A person can logically know what a good partner and respect should look like, but they usually only choose that path if/when they arrive at the conclusion themselves.

Which is an objectively better month: August or September?
– Russ, Blue Hill, ME

We really hope this doesn’t stir a revolution, but we’re going with September. (*cue all students unfurling a huge table map to plan our demise)

Here’s the thing. August is cool: there’s freedom, summer sun, lazy days, vacations, more time with friends and family. 

But there also comes a point where I just feel so off my routine that I yearn for the days of purpose and structure. If you guessed that I’m a 1, how dare you stereotype me like that! That is rude and overdone… But yes, I’m a 1.

September gives me a tail-end-of-summer feeling where people are still in a pleasant mood: proud of a fulfilling summer but looking forward to a nice, productive, and cozy fall. And as a bonus, the kids are finally back in school. (*students swipe away huge table map, pick up muskets)

Who are the best Enneagram types to take a summer vacation with?
– Aliyah, Springfield, IL

This all comes down to what kind of trip you want to have. I’ve been in the city most of the summer, so I’ll take “Remote Mountain Hiking for 400, Alex!”

First, there’s the itinerary and the road trip. I’m going with a dual combo of a 1 and a 7 here. Ones are often down for adventure, and they will nail the details. I trust them with the packing, logistics, and the route.

Sevens are going to keep this thing from getting boring. They’ll probably encourage some scenic detours, befriend locals on the trail, maybe even get us in a pants-sh*tting encounter with a bear that later makes a good story even though at the time it was not funny at all but the 7 insists haha guys I knew everything would be fine even though it was absolutely not fine and we almost met our maker.

I’m also going to take a 5. Some of my 5 friends are practically wilderness guides, chalk-full of interesting nature and wildlife facts. I also trust them to build out a nifty campsite equipped gadgets I've never seen.

Are you guys pool people or beach people?
– Andrea, Boca Raton, FL

Give us the beach. We’re not afraid of a few sunscreen-covered potato chips.

Have a great rest of the summer.
– Jon and Isabella